it’s cool to be told I’m immature for not being able to properly handle literally yhe most humiliating thing i’ve ever done.  for having gone through with it, had it fail, and then not having the composure to do it again because if I had to in that moment I would have vomited everywhere.

i screamed into my hands when i got in the car, I tore at myself.  and to see your message that I have no right to be mad at you? that I should be sorry for not having the maturity? just because you made it seem like you offered to do it with me, and I told you I was scared to do it alone because what the fuck would I do by myself if it’s positive. what do I do?and then you give me a hostile ultimatum and tell me I frustrate the shit out of you.

did it not occur to you that I didn’t want to be alone in that moment because that is soething I dont know how to handle

I have never regretted telling you something before.  And right now I have never regretted something so much in my life.

Almost every night I go to bed terrified for you

Do not get close to me or god forbid date me because I can be such a shitty destructive person I’m a professional at hurting feelings.
0/10 do not recommend

I’m a reckless, foolish girl that breaks other people and shouldn’t receive half the care I do.

You don’t even want to talk to me and you literally have to pretend you are alone to make yourself feel better. I am 100% powerless and I am bringing you nothing but pain and I am grasping at straws and anything possible to help but right now it straight up sounds like you want nothing to do with me and oh my god. Tomorrow was supposed to be a fun us day and I took it away without even realizing what I was doing to you.

I’m so fucking oblivious. How the fuck can I be this fucking dense. I do things and I don’t think they’ll have any consequences when in reality I fucking destroy people.
I was screamed at yesterday by my dad and now today by you. The worst he’s ever yelled at me and then the worst you have. And then you apologize for it, and then continue to tear me down for it, saying I’m not sorry and highlighting exactly how I fucked up. And now you are in the pits of your depression and I am so fucking scared for you. Please don’t do anything. Jesus Christ I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself, ever, if you do. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I had no idea, I am so sorry.
I’m saying I love you and you’re not saying it back and you’re saying you’re having a hard time believing me and oh my god. This was something that was important to you and I fucked it up.

I hate when you shut me out and won’t tell me what’s wrong. It makes me feel useless.

Lying here like a sadsack. I dont want to go anywhere or do anything. But I also dont want to be here. I feel like shit, I am so fucking depressed what the fuck do I do.

My feelings are hurt and now I’m just stuck with my shitty mood and boredom all day with no one to talk to.

I’ve worked too bloody hard to be treated like this, the rat.  I thought angrily, trudging up the steps to the captain’s quarters.  My pistol thudded heavily against one hip, while the sheath of my sword tapped the other.  A deep red, long scarf tied around my head kept a mane away from my face, while bells at the ends of the two ‘tails’ jingled softly at my lower back.  ”All due respect, captain, but there are deckhands that can bring you your blasted rum.”  I scoffed, testing my boundaries already because he was testing my patience.  It is not the first mate’s responsibility to run rum.  ”I have work to do.” I pressed, resting the small keg of the drink on my hip.  

"Watch yer tongue, Janine."  He snapped back from his spot near the large porthole that looked out on the endless blue, but that was the extent of his admonition.  Part of me was a little surprised he didn’t give more.  

I let it pass, however, and quickly jerked my head towards his desk, whipping long feather earrings with the motion.  ”Ya want it there?”  He hummed a confirmation.  Sighing, I walked it over and with a huff and a thud set the small barrel onto the sturdy wooden desk. “That’ll be it then?”  I asked, turning to leave before his answer, but I stopped abruptly when I found him right before me instead. 

"Come now, don’t be so cross.  You know I appreciate ye, eh?"  a smile began to creep across his face as he put his hands on my shoulders.  I tensed immediately, feeling the mood change instantly.  I ought to have known he wanted more than the rum, the rat did this often, but had noticeably been trying harder of late.  

But I am a woman, and I am with a crew of the bilge rats of society.  I knew for a fact that I occupied my rank well, I knew how to brandish a blade and I knew how to command a crew.  I earned my bloody position, but I know also that there were motives for the promotion.

"Right." I replied shortly, inching backwards but meeting the desk.  He took a step forward, not releasing his hold.  My eyes narrowed then and I bristled.  Had it not been worthy of lashes or exile, I would have given his face a kiss with my rings. "Captain, if that be all, I need to be doing your work for you while to drink all ye cares away.”  I snapped.  ”I’ll prepare the ship for nightfall.”  He growled, gave my shoulders a squeeze, then let go. Immediately I cleared the room, boots thudding on the wood, and I was out the door.

A string of curses left my mouth while I shielded the setting sun from my eyes.  The sea’s wind caught me, and I breathed deep to level myself. To the starboard side, I could see that we had come close to a string of large islands in the distance, the shallower water glimmering beautifully in the orange light. 

The crew milled about, going about their duties and the large sails still puffed gently in the light breeze that pushed us slowly forward.  Gauging the time, I took a deep breath, “Trim the sails and prepare to drop anch-orrr!” My voice boomed, a particular trait that would only benefit a captain more than a first mate.  The ship buzzed to life with unspoken obedience, crewmen rushing to their assigned posts to pull up the sails.

 A line of about six them took hold of and pulled at the rope that would trim one of the smaller sails to prepare for casting anchor overnight.  One caught my attention in particular, and had in fact been the one I was trying to spot.  He was the tallest of the six, and as I focused my full attention on him, I felt a different kind of heat rise within.  

The orange light shone on your slick skin, highlighting your form like a beacon; you along with others had tossed aside your tunic to bear the tropical heat throughout the labor.  None other, however, compared.  Muscles rippled with each heave, and I found that I had lost myself in watching when the task was suddenly finished and other crewmen prepared to drop the anchor.

I snapped myself back to reality and descended down to the deck.  Hands behind my back, I kept the appearance of supervision and authority.  You were on your own when I reached you, having gained eye-contact before I was near, I felt my stomach leap but I did not allow it to show on my face.  Your hands still worked deftly, tying down rope, but those eyes did not leave mine.

I slowed my pace a fraction next to you and spoke in a quick, low tone.  ”Stock room, after sundown.”  And just like that I resumed my pace and kept walking, the back of my neck prickling as I felt you stare on me.  I could only blame my encounter with the captain for my sudden bravery, but the attraction had been present for far too long and it was overdue.

Fortunately for my fluttering pulse I did not have to wait long for nightfall.  Keeping my gait casual, I dropped below deck assumedly unseen and proceeded down the main hallway.  Door after door, sleeping quarters, armory, and finally near the end, my destination.  Without hesitation I entered, looking now to the rows of shelves with crate after crate upon them.  I took only a few steps before hearing you, “Janine?” My footsteps are light, it wouldn’t be hard for you to know it was me.

I found him easily, fully clothed now but the deep dip of you tunic still left some flesh to be admired.  I saw you begin to speak, but cut yourself off.  I imagine you wanted to ask why, but the way I knew I was staring at you made the answer clear.  I compared it, briefly, to the revulsion towards the captain earlier, and knew this was exactly what I had to do regardless of risk.

I eliminated the few feet between us immediately and was more than pleased to see you open your arms to receive me.  My hands seized your face as I stole your lips, and the shock that ran through me was indescribable.  Your sudden intake of breath told me it was mutual as your arms tightened about me and your hands gripped at me.  I could taste the salt on your lips, and never knew that I could appreciate the taste of the sea as much.  

I pushed, and though much larger you let me press you against the wall behind you.  My hands travelled upwards to tangle into your hair, and you nipped my bottom lip, tugging lightly before releasing it to kiss again softly, almost as consolation.  I broke after a few moments to breathe, eyes still shut, and to appreciate the heat on my face.

"Oh…" The only sound you could manage made me crack a smile.

"I need you.  Right now." I breathed.  "I can’t keep myself from you one more day."

I felt your arms flex as you held me tighter, and my knees shook.  It took nothing else from my mouth for you you whip me around, effortlessly trading places such that my back was now against the wall.  You gripped my tunic at my waist, untucking it and pulling it upwards all at once.  I lifted my arms, allowing you to do as you wished, and watched the clear lust in your face as your eyes wandered over the almost entirely exposed flesh, save for some cloth wrapped around my chest.  A small groan escaped you before you took me by the waist and crashed your lips against mine greedily.  I felt your tongue glide along my lips before I allowed you entry, and we tasted one another fully.  Your rough hands explored my skin, down my back, my sides, and up the front.

I couldn’t tolerate your shirt any longer, and broke to help free yourself from the blasted cloth.  Not missing a beat, you kissed me again, and my heart pounded at the feel of your skin.  I wanted not leave not a single inch unexplored, and as I began to feel your response to the situation press firmly against me, I knew that for a fact: not a single inch unexplored.

My hands moved across your chest, and drifted downwards to press against and grip the thrilling bulge in your pants, before leaving you only to pull at my belt, my holster and sheath hitting the floor with a thud.  You suddenly pushed my hands away from my hips and you broke the kiss but moved to my neck instead.  There wasn’t a hope of suppressing the instant moan as I dug my fingers into your back.  You gripped the hem of my pants and forced them downwards as you led a trail of kisses from my neck, along my collarbone, and down my stomach.  I quickly kicked off my boots as you pulled my pants the rest of the way down and I allowed you to pull them all the way off.  

Another groan left you as I stood there, barely covered, and you stood straight to kick off your boots and drop your pants as well leaving you just in underwear as well that did very little to hide your excitement from me.  Hands pressed against he wall, you grinded against me with a growl, “You’re mine.” And kissed me again. 

I had just begun you reach beneath the tiny bit you still wore, when i heard the door to the stock room crash open.  The kiss broke and my stomach dropped.  ”Shit…!”  I hissed, hearing characteristically heavy bootsteps followed by another few sets.  There was no time to gather anything before I saw him there with two other deckhands, the bloody captain.  

"What the blazes is this?!"  He boomed, words heavy and almost slurred.  I remembered the barrel i had brought him earlier. "Farmer! That is my god damned first mate!" He snarled, the rage very much apparent on his face.

The entire situation was my fault, yet you were the one standing in front of me, as though trying to conceal me from their eyes.  I scrambled for my tunic, quickly slipping back into it before reaching for my trousers and handing you yours as well.

"This is bloody unacceptable, I will not have this shit on my ship!  Out!  You are out!  To the plank with ye!”  He boomed, absolutely livid.

Now I acted, pushing past you to stand firmly in front.  ”To hell with that!  You can’t make him walk the plank because it was him and not you."  I spat.  I could almost see his skin crawl and his beard curl a little more in his rage.


He sent me first, and standing precariously on the edge I tried to weigh the positives.  We were close to land, I would have a chance to start elsewhere free of this crew, and I wouldn’t be alone.

The crew shouted, heckled, swore at me to jump.  The moonlight did not provide enough depth to see how far my fall would be, but I would not be given a chance to figure it out.  The plank shook as I realized they were kicking it, and with a deep breath, I jumped.  The water hit hard, and immediately I clawed for the surface.  

I broke and gulped for air.  I looked around, getting my bearings, and started to swim for the shadow on the horizon.  Judging by the loud splash behind me, you didn’t hesitate to jump.  I paused and looked back, waiting for you to surface.  You came up near me, “I’m sorry!” You called to me, when in all reality it was my fault.  

"Oi! Worth it, I won’t have that."  I called back, and kept swimming.